Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2008)

Written and Directed by James Nguyen

The story goes that James Nguyen was a software developer who made enough money in the Silicon Valley to afford funding his own film. Taking $10,000, he set out to make a modern retelling of The Birds, set in beautiful Half Moon Bay, California. What happened next is the worst atrocity purposely shown to people for purposes of entertainment. Now, let me preface my review by saying I knew all of this before seeing this film. I read multiple reviews calling it out and out the worst film ever. Having seen some stinkers myself, I figured I would be left to judge if it's really that bad, if it's entertainingly bad like some say, or if it's just garbage you should stay away from. Really, it's somehow all three.

A monotonous, boring, poorly acted film can sometimes be spasmodically hilarious for reasons unperceived by the human mind. I've been told Birdemic is one of those films. The first half hour is so meandering and boring, I thought I was watching the wrong movie. Not only do the scenes and conversations not make sense, they seemingly have connection whatsoever. If there was a script, it didn't make any sense either.

Now, as they happen, these first 30 minutes are hilarious and engaging in a mysterious "what the fuck is this movie about?" way, which keeps you laughing until you're just lost. It seems as though the plot was intentionally designed to keep the audience from knowing what it's actually about, because the disconnected scenes with different characters acting out melodrama feels like a boring David Lynch film, all the while wondering what aspect of this film was supposed to be like The Birds.

Just after an hour into the film, the most poorly rendered eagles and vultures start attacking people, leaving strawberry jelly all over their faces and clothes. Our "hero" who we've been following is so bewildered by all of it, we quickly lose sympathy, because even as poorly constructed as the plot is, we're figuring things out an entire act before him.

There is no question this is a bad film. A terrible film. The type of film that I think of when I think of terrible film, not Transformers 2, like some people would have you believe. What bothers me is the level of ineptness portrayed is just too high. Either the director is entirely mentally handicapped, or most of this film was made the way it was on purpose. So often the sound is so terrible, you begin to think it's a joke how badly they've put it together. But because it happens throughout the entire film, you have to wonder if it's actually a joke, or if it's really the worst sound in a movie, ever. Either one is possible, but you hate to think you really are watching the worst film ever made.

After everything, I felt the film was authentic, just far too much work went into the attempt at everything for it to be faked. Too often, faked material has that stench of fakeness, and here, everything is just so poorly done that there's no way it could be fake. Even the best sound editor in the world wouldn't do sound this bad as a joke. The joke sound would be at least slightly better than this, if only to make the joke. Here, it's not even laughable. So it's either the worst film ever made, or the best craftsmen doing the best job ever of purposely making a bad film. But I gotta say, to purposely make a film this bad, it would take too much dedication. Only an earnest person would put as much work into something that turned out this bad.

Whether you enjoy it or not is the issue. Clearly, it's bad. I got a great kick out of the first 30 minutes. By the final 20, I was ready to watch anything else, it had become unbearable. There are only so many times you can watch people poorly react to the worst CGI birds ever.

3.0/10 (F-)

Well, if it's real or not, it got the grade it deserves. Whether it's worn proudly or hidden in shame, who knows.  The crowd I saw it with was mostly gone or asleep by the end.  I'm sure it will find a cult audience somewhere.