Santa's Slay (2005)

Produced by BRETT RATNER
Written and Directed by David Steinman

See, it goes to show that sometimes kissing ass and being someone's bitch pays off. Work as Brett Ratner's assistant for five years, and you'll eventually get to make a movie, one that is a classic like Santa's Slay. In this film, Santa (Bill Goldberg) is the son of Satan, and he is stopped from his evildoings when he loses a bet with an Angel, and has to deliver presents to all the children of the world as the loser of the bet.

Well, that bet held him for 1,000 years, so here it is, a thousand years later in 2005, and Santa is out and about, ready to wreak havoc on the world, and he has chosen Hell Township (I know there is a Hell, Michigan, no clue if it's supposed to represent that or not) and he chooses that town since he says he will return to make "Hell on Earth". Yeah, that's the type of logic you're in for in this movie. Then again, if you're watching a killer Santa movie, you know what you're getting into.

The story is the weakest part of the movie, along with the bad acting, but c'mon, as I said, it's expected. Santa goes around killing people one by one, eschewing great catch phrases left and right, such as "Looks like Grandpa got run over by a reindeer!" and "I'm Santa, not fucking Dracula!", while the kids in the movie, Nick Yuleson (get it!?) and Mary MacKenzie (aka Mac, because that's a good name for a girl) say stuff like "You hit like a girl." to which Nick responds "Yeah, well, you kiss like a guy". Been kissin' guys Nick? Where this would usually be bad, this is half the joy of the movie, the shitty, inappropriate catch phrases that punctuate the gory violence perpetrated by Santa.

This is a good bad movie, one that is terrible, you know it's terrible, but it's really fun to watch. I'm a huge fan of these movies, and lately, I haven't seen many that have been this enjoyable. I remember the first time I watched this, my roommate told me to watch only the first scene, where Santa kills James Caan, Chris Kattan, Fran Drescher, and Rebecca Gayheart, because it's possibly the most B-celebrities ever killed in one scene. And he kicks an annoying Pomeranian across the room, which is what I want to do to every single one of those dogs. Pure brilliance.

Throughout the movie, the other joy is obviously the kills of which there are actually an impressive amount, and they don't hold back on the gore or the savagery. I love the Christmas theme that is inherent to them as well, such as a wreath strangling, exploding presents (that kids open, no less) and death by turkey leg through the head. Not to mention it's fun to watch Santa fly around with his giant Buffalo-pulled sleigh (which he refers to as a Hell-deer) smashing stuff and setting fire to strippers.

Really, a horror fan couldn't ask for a more entertaining movie, it's just a fun time to laugh at, watch some brutal killings, and enjoy the fact that Goldberg is a jew, and to see him as a murderous Santa is an enjoyable irony, and possibly a little bit of his childhood frustration with Christmas coming out through the character.

If none of this has convinced you to watch the movie, consider this: Nick's Grandpa is the angel that doomed Santa to his nice ways, and later was doomed to human form, which he took for a woman, Nick's grandmother. He's hated around town because he is thought of as a loon that enjoys curling. Did I mention Goldberg kills a fellow jew with a Menorah? If that doesn't get you to run out and buy this movie, well, you'll never like it.

5.3/10 (for production values, entertainment value is 8/10 easily)