Dead Clowns (2004)

Written and Directed by some idiot named Steve Something, don't want to even give him the satisfaction of finding his named mentioned here when he does a google search of his own name.

Ugh, now this is the type of useless crap I can properly hate. Horrible cinematography and direction, you can't tell what's going on in at least half the scenes, and the half that you can't see are the scenes of the zombie clowns attacking.

The make up and f/x for the clowns is laughably bad, looks like someone's high school homemade Halloween costumes. Just bad all around. The dialogue is horrible, none of the actors seem to have ever acted before (I'm talking so bad you want to punch these people in the face if you ever see them bad) and my biggest complaint, they stretched this film to 90 minutes when every camera set up could have been kept in place and the movie could have been about 40 minutes long.

For example, a character gets trapped under a wall partition and he tries to grab the phone, which is just out of reach. The director shows: The phone. His hand reaching for it. The phone. His hand almost touching it. The phone. His hand still not touching it. The phone. His hand still struggling to get it. The phone. His hand still not getting even close. Literally, this went on for over 60 seconds, when the same thing could have been accomplished in about 4 seconds. It's like they shot the entire thing, it was only 40 minutes long, so they went back to just film crap to fill in the gaps.

At one point, a character runs through her house, looking for dead clowns for about 10 minutes, and then she finds one. Huh? The point of making a film is to show the exciting parts of the story, and cut out all the crap. That's why narrative filmmaking was invented.

However, the director of this piece of shit never understood that. I can deal with bad acting, bad dialogue, bad settings (all quite obviously the houses of the people involved), even shitty clown costumes and f/x, but I cannot stand when a film takes far too long to get to the fucking point. IN EVERY SCENE.

When the woman (Debbie Rochon) tells the story of what happened to the clowns 50 years ago, she includes every pointless detail about the night it happened, and how no one will talk about it, and it goes on for at least 8 minutes, and then at the end, she says "Yeah, so the clowns were never found". I would've rather had no explanation than an extremely long and pointless one.

Also, it seems as if the director was going to shoot introduction scenes for the characters, to explain who they were, but he just ran out of money, so instead he shot the f/x and kill scenes, so there are just suddenly characters in the movie, being chased by dead clowns, you don't know who they are, where they come from, or even where they are supposed to be. Literally, there is no explanation given. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad if it didn't happen at least 4 times, including the "cliffhanger" ending. Literally, the final scene is a girl we've never seen before being chased into a basement by the dead clowns. They eat her and that's the end.

I really hope the director ran out of money, it's honestly the only explanation that makes any sense, unless EVERYONE involved was a complete amateur and the director was just extremely stupid, because NO ONE would think ANY SINGLE SCENE in this movie was well done or worth filming. Just a terrible piece of trash. Only got points from me because they actually got the funds to make a movie, and as ridiculous as the clown costumes were, it did take some talent to make them, despite the fact that the design itself was horrible. Can't blame the costume designer for being handed shit designs by an incompetent director (indeed, he credits himself for designing the clowns, which is about equivalent to saying "I rape babies, what of it?").

Deplorable crap, to cap it all off, this is how I would get people not to see it: This "movie" is so underdevloped, that I think one character name is said, but I could be mistaken. That's right, the director missed the point so much, he didn't even bother to remember that audiences use names to separate and identify the characters. I suppose it doesn't really matter, I figure he knows what a schlock-master he is, and that if you've got Dead Clowns in your DVD player, then he has won. What's worse is this was his 4th movie, he's made 7 more since. If full-blown retards like this can get investors, then I certainly can too.

3.0/10 (if this were a school project, I'd send the kid who made it back a few grades, because obviously no matter what grade he's in, someone got tired of dealing with trying to teach the unteachable and just promoted him to the next grade just so they wouldn't have to deal with him) 

Side Note:  I've recently learned a friend was in this movie, and said friend is in a ton of schlocky little horror films, so that's always fun.  However, I will never rescind my destruction of this film.